The toothache kid
January 29th, 2007The trouble started back when I was eight years old. My mother took me to a dentist for a routine cleaning, and he got to poking around with his torture tools. While his assistant distracted me with a dolphin hand puppet, I was injected with mouth numbing novacaine, and thats when I saw him going for his drill. I lept from that chair with my paper bib still hanging from my neck, and I ran right out of the room. My mother tried to stop me in the lobby, but I ran right past her, right out of that office, and right out of that strip mall. I may have been too young to try to make it on my own, but I was too old to buy those same lies that all of you have been fooled with since you were eight. Once I let him get at me with that drill, he was going to start telling my mother to limit my intake of sweets, and decrease the overall deliciousness of my days. He was going to take away my precious candy.
I didnt know where to go, so I ran to the candy store at the local mall, and sat in the corner under the jelly belly dispensers crying. With my bib still resting on my chest, I barely noticed when the two cashiers changed the store sign from open to closed and approached me whispering to one another “I think he’s one of us”. They looked down at me and produced a gummy hamburger as an olive branch. I devoured it, and looked up with frightened eyes as they said “dont be afraid, everything is going to be alright.” They pulled a lever hiden behind the pez dispensers, and revealed a staircase. I followed them up there and found an attic full of bunk beds and arcade games. On the far side of the room was a long table surrounded by chairs with a computer in the middle. They directed me to a seat alongside them facing the computer and opened a folder labeled confidential CIA documents.
Therin, I was exposed to one of the great american conspiricies. During Lydon B. Johnson’s administration, the American Dental Association had made sizable donations to support the vietnam war which in return granted them immunity from their widespread fraud. You see, when dentists claim to be “cleaning” your teeth, what they are really doing is applying a dormant but corosive chemical which only becomes active when it is combined with high levels of sucrose. They knew all to well that children love candy and by applying the chemical they ensured themselves business for years to come as long as their clients kept coming in for cleanings. I was outraged, I knew that Doctor Miller had a shifty way about him, and I knew that he was a little too happy when he found that first cavity.
I wanted to run and tell the world, but my keepers told me it wouldnt do any good. The Tooth Truth Troop as they called themselves was already on the ADA watchlist, and the dental association marshalls were actively searching for their compound. To expose their lies now would only lead to sure capture and they had instructed all of their members to keep a low profile in the coming months until they were off the trail. I would be getting to meet everyone at the nightly monday meeting, but for now I should just make myself comfortable and read up on the TTT cause. While they went back to work their post, I did exactly that, pouring through all of the documents they had.
I never did get a chance to make that meeting, fate prevented me from ever seeing the full strength of the troop. After making a stop off at the main mall restrooms, I returned to see men in white coats on horses storming the store. I didnt have to look twice to realize that the marshalls had found our hideout and I had to hit the road or be sent to their dungeon with the rest of my fallen brothers. I swore that I wouldnt let the brave leaders of the tooth truth troop die in vain, and would do whatever I could to avenge the events of that day.
I thought long and hard about how to make a positive impact, and I realized there was only one thing for a kid like me to do. I had to remind the world how great candy was. To overcome the propoganda of the ADA, I would have to show all of you out there why candy makes life worth living, and make sure you dont waste your time on apples, milk, and carrots like the dentists want you to. For that reason, I will be producing a series of reviews on specific candy products so that you can understand the greatness that you are being denied by drill weilding tyrants. The reviews will focus on the six categories of taste, structure, originality, versatility, and marketing. As I write, I will likely reappear on the ADA radar, and will need to go through the underground network of loyalists who still believe in the freedom to chew. I do not fear the wrath of my tormenters, but rather the continued ignorance of the american people to their charade. With my help, you will recapture the innocence of the glory that is candy. I am, the toothache kid.